Im feeling really upset that I haven't been able to spend much time with my mom. There are many times when I think to myself, is it worth it to give so much of my time to the endless activities happening in my life and not spend more time with my mom?
Honestly, after losing my Dad I began to think like how more years do my mom have that I can spend with her. Seriously, I also don't want to wait until my mom grow older or when too late already then I'll regret not spending enough time with her like for my Dad. :(
So, pretty much thinking about what are the things I can let go of so I can free up more nights to be around at home. After all, I'm getting married in 8mths 30days time and I won't have much more time to be around at home with her. I do want to cherish all that time I can have with her still living under one roof and just learning to love her in ways that would make her feel loved lor... Im not good at it, but I'm learning... :)
I had my gown fitting yesterday! Eh, actually more like choosing my gown lar. heh... My sis and cousin went with me and we really had lotsa fun. I tried on like don't know how many gowns and I had to decide among so many one evening gown and one white gown. I began to realise, I like funky gowns but of course I can't choose all funky ones lar a bit overkill ah.
But that said, Im deeply grateful to God for how He has been helping us save and providing in times when we need the finances. Like yesterday when we had to pay another $1000 for the bridal package and we just nice managed to save in our joint account a little more then enough to pay for it. And now while we wait for the next upcoming thing to pay for we'll continue to just save by faith and see how the finances work out from here. kekeke...
I know some people might be wondering how come I'm going for my gown fitting so early in the year when actually my wedding only happens in Dec. Actually I didn't plan for that to happen so early myself. Honestly, as I looked at my schedule I'm quite thankful for the timeline because start of May till end June, "The Ultimate Road Trip" (TURT) will start. And I believe I'll be very busy before and during this period therefore the gown fitting happening early is good! And since photo shoot was supposed to happen in June but I can't make it as TURT is going on, we will need to work that in earlier even. Any later, in the opinion of the photographer it'll start to rain more often and it'll be tricky for a whole day photo shoot. YICKS!!
So at least for now, if some stuffs happen earlier I believe it's a good thing as towards the later half of the year, we'll need to be busy with our new house. Oh yes, so house hunting can happen in a week's time!! Cos Drew's parents finally managed to secure a place in Bukit Panjang already. YAY!! If everything goes well, I anticipate that OCT till DEC will be quite a stressful period cos reno and securing of furnitures will need to happen. Heh heh... I'm excited already!! Bleah... but, let me get thru TURT first!!! AHHHHHHH....
You start to realise that life is so fragile when u see someone you are close to lying lifeless on the bed in the ICU ward. This, i felt before when my Daddy passed on 1 year plus ago. I begin to see that, men, has so to speak, control over their own life when God gives them life. We THINK we can have control over our own life and do whatever we want, but only for a while. Until it dawn on you that your destiny is held in the hands of someone greater then you are, life is meaningless isn't it? But the love and time spent with family will become so precious. It's only in moments like this, our hearts sees clearly what should be most important!
Thinking back, I felt like the period when I lose my Dad was the time when my faith was tested, and I've grown the most. I believe nobody can see it and say it for me but its something I feel inside of me when I meet someone who's going to/has lost their loved ones that's different.
I find, that God had did something to my heart, something has morphed and grown. I realise I have a new ground to til and work on. I am able to pray and grieve together with that person and the heart i used to want to extend but dare not when I attend a wake, I now want to do without a thought. When I had such a painful and hard time groping around for my emotions then, is now a new ground that God opened for me to feel for others and pray for them. Of course if I had to choose, I don't want to have to experience such pain, but I lost someone so precious to me, I gained a new heart for those who will go through similar experience and will soon find a new heart, new ground that God opens up for them in time to come, only to be discovered for themselves.
Of course, no one person's experience of loss is the same. In fact, I believe I will still never be able to fully grasp and understand the pain of another but I know, we can all journey together in a common hope we have in Christ. Because, I continue to hold on to the faith and hope that i'll meet my Daddy again in heaven and dwell in His presence together with those that I live my life with all that years on earth whom I loved dearly. I just think it's a very beautiful picture lar... Haha... I also don't think I will know how to minister to someone
I haven't been baking since early last year but since I've always have an urgh to bake.
Like this Sunday we're planning to celebrate a brother's birthday and my heart leap at the thought of, "Oh! I could bake him a cake!!" I was so excited also as CNY is round the corner and I have been dying to experiment my favourite new year snack, pineapple tart from scratch including the jam ( most people would choose to buy the jam from Phoon Huat cos that's the most time consuming part, and that's how unrealistically ambitious I am) I HAVE to try it!! And I was so thrilled at the thought of that I even already went ahead and took one day leave, planning to try it.
But then, i thought of the unpleasant experience I had with my mom whenever I bake, I scrap the idea. I am sitting here still thinking should I just not do the pineapple tart cos I know it's going to be a messy process. Definitely I will clean up along the way but I doubt I will enjoy the process following with my mom being upset upon knowing I'm baking. Someone baking in her kitchen is equivalent to "I have to clean up after you!"
PLUS, it's CNY period she has already been asking me to take a day leave to do spring cleaning with her and my sister and I was so unwilling to take a day leave just to stay home to do spring cleaning, I rather sacrifice my weekend on sat to do it. Cos oh well, you know it's not fun nor relaxing to spring clean with "mom" I don't know for you but I always come out of the spring cleaning session feeling like I can never do enough and not good enough to my mom's standard even when I have exhausted all of my energy to do my best of cleaning up (and mind you I do housework often ah) so I am not foreign to it.
With regards to cleaning up the kitchen, her standard is to leave the kitchen smell free and in original condition as it was. Her kitchen is spick and span and the dinning table is clean, nothing is suppose to be on it one. With that, when you bake sure there will be lingering butter or cinammon smells, it's impossible in my experience to keep it smell free. How do you clean up the kitchen to the point of it totally not smell of those wonderful lingering butter when you are baking a cake?? Maybe some might disagree with me but I'll tell you why I think this way.
I start baking at 6pm and I finish by 1 or 2am kind. Cos after I am done, I have to mop and scrub and keep ALL utensils into cupboards and everything has to be in total original position. Remember? NOTHING is supposed to be on the dinning table. And of course smell free, so I'll mop many rounds, wipe the walls many rounds, wash and wipe dry all my baking utensils (they need many rounds of washing cos it's oily from the butter etc) and all have to go into the cupboard (I can't leave it at the sink to drip dry and return it next day), spray air freshener MANY MANY MANY times!! Technically it isn't a bad thing cos cleaning up is good lar.
STILL... the next morning when I get up for work, the first thing I get is, "Aiyo Von ah, kitchen smell of the butter smell you know. And I have to wash all your baking utensils again cos still got butter smell." I'll think to myself feeling so sian, "Har? Are you sure?? I wash sooo many times eh!" She'll continue, "Next time you want to bake you have to clean properly mah! You don't know how to clean properly don't bake lar." By now you can imagine how frustrated I felt, cos to bake something I have to labour till past midnight just so she say I never clean properly.
Of course, my mom has been very gracious already so far. Understanding that she is someone who appreciates a very clean house other then just allowing her to nag at me whenever I bake she does appreciate the pandan cakes etc that I make as compared to a few years ago when I first started. So I am thankful for that. Yet, I still feel really discouraged sometimes whenever I think about how hard it is to just have to bake a cake and feel so stressed that I will not be able to clean to her standard. I rather not.
So, I feel so torn on the inside cos I haven been baking since early last year. I do feel very sad because I don't understand how hard this is for me to down to baking again at home. Cos honestly baking is suppose to be very therapeutic for me now it's becoming dreadful and super tiring. And if I do have my own kitchen I know there are many things I would arrange and keep things very differently just cos I'm a baker and my mom isnt and that itself makes things very difficult for me trying to bake in her kitchen.
That said, I do respect my mom's way of upkeeping her kitchen still. Imagine next time when I have kids and they too want to bake they'll also feel like they'll do things different from me. Respecting the fact that veryone of us is very different la... So, I guess I'm just trying to avoid rubbing shoulders with my mom and I do hate getting nagged. So nothing personal against my mom. It's basically we do things very very differently and our expectations are totally different. Even the way we see things are so different even. So yes lor...
In the end, I decided to put off making pineapple tart. It's ok, when i get my own place end this year, if God wills, I can attempt my pineapple tart for next year's CNY. And I can bring it home to my family to enjoy. :) That sits better with me for now.
Thought I'd walk those who are interested, down memory lane of my journey with Drew. :)
We met when we were studying in Ngee Ann Polytechnic some 9 years ago. Than, we both were students serving with Campus Crusade as our extra curriculum activity, I was in my first year while he was my senior and he started to notice me and took a liking towards me. And you’ll never guess where Drew asked me to the first time he tried asking me out! He called me one day asking, “Hey I have three Philip Yancey’s conference tickets, you want to come along with me?” I thought, “Wow, Philip Yancey leh, I don’t mind going to listen to him.” So I went, and that was his first attempt asking me out wanting to get to know me better but I was not interested in him then. But I did think that, this guy is really something, because people usually ask to go for movie or stuff, but he actually asked me to a Philip Yancey’s conference.
I noticed that my feelings for him developed overtime as we spend a lot of time serving together in Crusade, studying together for our tests/exams and going out with the crusade bunch and individually as well. But the interesting thing here is that, we both didn’t choose to express our feelings to each other, as he wasn’t ready for another relationship since his last one was some 1 or 2 years ago and I had a 21-year-old covenant with God that I made when I was 16. I was 19 in yr one Poly. I covenant with God to give my youth to serve and grow in Him wholeheartedly, and to only enter into a relationship after 21 years of age and until God brings along the man He would have me marry. One that I know would please the Lord. Even though so, I was really upset that Drew didn’t express anything to me, and it took me a long while to get over him.
3 years later, I was working and he just graduated from National Service. Then I was already 21, this one guy, nice Godly chap asked me to be his girlfriend, it was then I began to realize that I haven’t really gotten over Drew because I could say yes to him. In that same period, Drew finally told me he’s been holding a torch for me all these years. But now that he is ready for a relationship he had to leave for Sydney to study for 2 years.
It felt weird when I heard him tell me he's been in love with me all this while. And as if I subconsciously had been waiting for him to tell me his feelings these 3 years and when he finally did, I burst into tears in front of him thinking to myself, “Whatever took you SO LONG!” But I believe it was tears of joy and relief.
We decided that we would wait till he completes his studies in Sydney and when he returns then we'll enter into courtship. We kept in contact writing long letters to each other and occasional long-distance calls. I still remember checking my letterbox everyday after I come home from work, and when I finally got it; I can’t wait to get into it! And my mom always tease me saying, “Wah! Why you smiling to the letter ah?” And I felt those 2 years of friendship was the most enriching yet painful period. Enriching because through those letter writing we got to know each other in very deep and meaningful ways. Things you know are personal and sincere that only soul mates would share. On the other hand painful because, 2 years wasn’t that short nor long, and many a times we find ourselves feeling so sick of waiting and staying friends while feeling such great passion for each other! But when we entertain the thought of, “why wait since we like each other?” we sense God telling us that it’s not time yet. If there was any good lesson we both learnt, it would be this. That obedience comes with a price, but it’s all worth it! It did us a huge favour in our understanding of each other, and our relationship was truly sweet because we had a deep friendship and even more we know our love is tested and had came out stronger then years back in poly days. Had we entered into a relationship then in poly days, we both agree that we wouldn’t have made it till today. We would have messed things up more then helped ourselves. More so, in those waiting years, we had God in our lives therefore those wise decisions to wait year after year was possible.
We were also praying about our direction together as a couple towards marriage if we were to enter into a relationship when he was still in Sydney. I was working as a kindergarten teacher, and I was prepared to stay there as far as I can go while Drew knew right on after he graduated from poly that he’ll give his life to the full-time vocation calling of God with Crusade. Amazingly, one year into his studies in Sydney God called me to a full-time vocation to Crusade. Today, we are both serving together in Singapore Campus Crusade for Christ, Creative Communications. He serves in the short film ministry, while I am with the music ministry. I continue to marvel at God’s way of bringing our lives together and how we can share such similar vision for the ministry God’s called us to. That’s why I keep saying, had it not been for God, we wouldn’t have come this far.
Eh sorry that i promised to blog but i took this long...
Seriously was very loaded with the things to prep for India trip cmg up this thur.
Ok, here we go.
13th Nov 2009 was the day Drew and I planned to celebrate our 3rd year anniversary of being attached. He arranged for us to have a simple and nice dinner at Ben and Jerry's Denmpsy Rd and watch Soul2Soul perform there as well. Well, nothing suspicious as the pass two years we've been celebrating our anniversary with simple dinner and time together and of course not forgetting as always that will bring a smile to my face, a nice bouquet of flower. But somehow that day got really busy for me at work and by then we finally decided to leave for the cafe we were already late. By then we reach the place I was actually very tired already. In fact I kinda feel asleep in the taxi while getting there. But oh well...
So the waitress led us to a seat, and I was like, "huh? so NEAR the stage ah? Don't want lah!! Haiyo..." So I requested if we can change seat and they did but not much of a difference cos was like just shift one table further away from the stage only. But nvm, I shan't be too picky since it's our anniversary! haha... After ordering our food, Drew was like playing around with his G9 camera and suddenly he exclaimed, "WHAT DE!!" and he showed me the picture taken. Ivin and Mylene was just nice entering the cafe behind me and they got captured in the picture as Drew tried to take a picture of me. I was very surprised to see them and asked why are they here, but of course now I know why they were there! All their acting very good ah, can get Grammy award already. They say what coincidence lah, they also want to come and watch Soul2Soul perform as they have never watch them perform at Ben & Jerry's before. Chey!! That actually DID arouse my suspicion for the first time wondering if they really had something up their sleeves. But I brushed it aside and didn't think much about it.
After dinner, Soul2Soul came up on stage sang a few songs. By then it was already about 10pm. And to be honest I was really feeling very sleepy and tired as I had a long day in office plus there was a growing crowd at the cafe and it wasn't much of a nice and quiet after a while, cos talking became kinda difficult too. I remember I was asking Drew if we could leave and head for home at about 1030pm and I really had no idea, but the second thing that led me to suspect also was when i say people like Henry, Jonathan at the cafe too. I was thinking to myself, is it such a crowd of familiar faces every week? Or is it just today? Or do Drew really have something up his sleeves and these are his helpers? Plus I did also think to myself, "it'll be very nice if he proposes today cos it's our anniversary mah!" But the thing is, I only saw Henry, Jonathan, Uncle John, Ivin and Mylene but didn't see Ron around. So I think if Drew gona propose surely he won't leave Ron outta the picture. So again I brushed it aside.
It actually got me a little nervous thinking if he were to propose today at the cafe with the crowd queuing for ice-cream ever growing, I really wouldn't know how to respond/react or behave you know what i mean? But eventually I got engrossed in listening to Soul2Soul when they started singing and didn't think much about it anymore until, Sharon the lead singer dedicated the song to the both of us wishing us 3rd blessed Anniversary! Man... My heart started to pound, I was like "NO WAY! Drew is really gona propose here? Is this a sign? Cannot be... What am I to do??"
My mind was in a whirl cos I was also feeling rather tired and so not prepared for it! Listening to the song "Home" by Micheal Buble that Daniel, 2nd lead singer, was singing for us, Drew was holding on to my hands and looking at me so intently (I believe he was nervous, so he was trying to just focus on me only!kekeke...) I was wondering why??? THEN the moment came... Sharon spoke again saying, "Evon! Drew has something to tell you." I was like, "OKAY!!! I know what this is already..." And I tell you I was in a mix of shock and nervous emotions not knowing how to react. Some people watched the video recording of this process when I was totally ignorant thinking WAP (short film ministry of campus crusade) was here to film Soul2Soul, said that I looked really fierce! Haha... I had no idea!
Drew took the mic went up front while I just keep my gaze on him trying to forget that there was this major crowd behind me in the cafe. This is roughly his speech,
" Baby, you always say wish we don't have to part and say goodbye after our dates and wish we can go home together. And when I was studying in Australia, it wasn't that homesick because I had you in my heart. And home is where you are, and I desire to come home to you everyday. So I want to ask you a very important question, " Baby, would you marry me!"
Dottie passed Drew a very pretty decorated box. He came over to my seat, knelt and waited for my answer. I was in a dazed! My mind was like, "Oookaay! what do I do now! what am I supposed to say?" Then Ron came in with a huge bouquet of flower and passed it to Drew. Upon receiving the bouquet I just nod my head to indicate a yes and well you know the rest of the story. The ring on my finger, hugs and cheers etc etc.
BUT!! it's not the end... guess what? My relatives and my mom and sister appeared out of nowhere cheering and was congratulating me! I was like ????????? Oh my goodness! Of course I was shocked! For one, I was so not prepared for such a major proposal and my close relatives turned up to celebrate the wonderful moment with me. I was so touched by their love.
Most of all, very touched and loved by my wonderful hubby-to-be who was so brave to propose in the presence of a huge crowd! I know it was not easy but he did it for me anyway... I mentioned that I didn't mind a small private mini proposal but he surprised me beyond my expectation! I am a blessed and happy little woman not because of the major proposal planned, but because I am loved without a doubt by God, my loved ones, friends and most of all Drew! :)
Thank you everybody for making it so very special for me!!! You all mean so much to me, it's just that I'm not the kind who know how to express that well but you all mean a lot to me! :)
Okay after all the drama comes the actual work. :P (I'm enjoying every step of the preparation though!)
Our wedding date is set. It's on the 4th Dec 2010 :) Do mark the date down... we'd love to have you with us on that day! And I'm already counting down. :)
Above all, I have one most important person to thank! That's my Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him, my relationship with Drew would have com this far. It's Him who have taught us so much about loving unconditionally, building a healthy friendship and relationship and growing as an individual. And even more now, learning to live under one roof in a year's time, loving God and each other for a lifetime. I'm eternally grateful to His love and how He's led us till today. Couldn't have done it without You Lord! :) Love YOU Jesus!!! Heh...
Preparations for the India trip has gone underway...
For now, they are nailing songs and getting their transitions and what they need to say right. So actually it's a very stressful time for all as we're running a very tight timeline. heh...
But I'm very proud of them as i know they are all working very hard on the program. :)
By the way, for those who do not know, myself and another colleague Dotz is leading this band Snooze for about a yr more now going to schools and so far JB and this end of the year to India to share with everyone the song of our lives! Basically perspectives and values has been inculcated in us through our relationship with our Heavenly Father! :) It's been an exciting journey altogether! YOU GO SNOOZE!!!
Eh, then of course many are asking how Drew proposed... heh... So sorry I haven't had time to get down to it. But it's coming very SOOOON... hee...
Now, I'm doing some final packing, to head down to India to meet the leaders there. Can't wait to meet Brother Anup and Sandeep. We've been skyping and they are really nice people. I pray I'll be patient and humble as I go about discussing the program and details for Dec Christmas gig with our band. Most of all, have lotsa fun there!! Yay...
I could share how I'm doing briefly if you would care. =) A testimony of God's work in my life.
Recently, i've been wearing many "hats" at work, and it's been really overwhelming. There are many many times i find myself thinking of giving up on certain things. One of which is the starting of chinese band. But God is teaching me a huge lesson here, learning not to give up so easily but to press on to see His work unravel!
I have never realised that much that I tend to give up very soon when things gets too hard and it looks like a dead end up ahead. But someone recently passed me Joyce Meyer's book "Never give up!" and it was a major heart-lifter for me and now I'm glued to the book. haha...
Basically, Joyce Meyer is encouraging us from the word of God that God had placed dreams and desires in our hearts (of course, with discernment knowing those desires are from God and not self ambition, very important) and in pursing them had meant for us to grow through trying moments. And with that to never say give up when the future looks bleak because breakthrough might just be round the corner. What happens if you give up when breakthrough is just but a few more tries away? And there are many good things that turned out successful through failures! You never know... That's the kind of God we have that's His style. You gotta be able to see it by FAITH.
So know that God fulfills the desires of our heart, the desires He placed in us. He knows when and how to fulfill them and He wants to fulfill them. The twist to it is it might not happen the way I planned or like it to, neither is it always gona have to happen the exact time I want it to! So am I still game to come on board? I sometimes think, "God ah, please lar!! don't play games with me already can? I very tired already." But God isn't, He is in fact preparing me to receive it when it's actually time for Him to fulfill that dream according to His Kingdom purposes and to ultimately bring glory to His name. End of the day, it's His say because we exist by His grace for His glory alone. :) And I think it's amazing in the first place I am even considered His daughter, beloved daughter when I shouldn't even have this second chance but now I'm called to Him in His love for me to partner with Him in His fulfillment of bringing salvation to the world. Amazing hor???
For me, my burden has always been to start a Chinese band, reach out to the chinese speaking bunch, but I always lack that courage and I give up too soon because I fear failure, I think I'm not good enough. But failure and adequacy doesn't exist in God's dictionary at all, instead failure is a byproduct needed for success! How inspiring it is to my heart lah...
So my final lesson, is tolive life NOT FEARING FAILURES and NEVER STOP TRYING!! I'll only stop when God says so, I'll keep trying until I hear His next direction. Like Corrinne May's song, "fall to fly", that's the essence of it all... You'll never succeed if you never fail.
My answer to God's challenge? "God, I'm still game for it... count me in!"
Today, I was reminded to "come down" from all the to-dos and think about how is the condition of my heart. And as I thought about it, immediately the word anxious stood up to me.
I realise I have been so anxious about what is going to happen and what is already happening and "hopping" around to TRY to get them done in my little punny strength and ways. But I actually haven't realise that there are may things happening around me that I needed to attend to which is beyond me and not meant for me to tackle on my own. And that's exactly what I've been trying... but failed. I noticed how I have been so edgy and easily frustrated, so not still on the inside and my mind is like everywhere. Now, I know I need to get a hold of myself, and make myself come before God's presence and hear from Him. Because that's where my heart needs to be at in order to accomplish what my life is destined to do, that which He called me to. And it is only when my heart is at that place of peace and stillness can I stop needing to do the "hopping" about and being everywhere physically and mentally as well as emotionally.
I no longer want to be living a life of always fretting about "whats next"? But I desire to be at peace and find my place in God's presence where I know, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Not only that, but continue finding the joy in knowing Jesus deeper. Yep...
That aside, I thank God for the opportunity to play for worship today. :) Really took time to worship Jesus while playing the keyboard. Heh heh... I'm also encouraged at seeing everyone in office taking time off in coming together to spend time praying for our leaders, and various department ministry. I like that!
Now, waiting for Melvin to buy Dotz and me dinner before the rehearsal for 2 week's time gig. :) heehee... Staying back to just be kept in the loop and also see hows everyone in the band doing.
Spent the whole night making this... After my lasik eye checkup, popped by spotlight to get some cloths to do tryout. So was sewing in the living room while my family was watching tv in the living room. But i lasted out to 2am to just want to see the finished work! And Ta dah!! but there are still some areas to touch up still and not the best still... Still thinking should I make it a strap to secure the close of the book. You think? Best part is ah, I broke a needle while sewing it. Urgh! Long story... haha...
Back when I was a child Before life removed all the innocence My father would lift me high And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around till I fell asleep Then up the stairs he would carry me And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance Another walk, another dance with him I'd play a song that would never, ever end How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Ooh, ooh
When I and my mother would disagree To get my way I would run from her to him He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep He left a dollar under my sheet Never dreamed that he Would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance One final step, one final dance with him I'd play a song that would never, ever end 'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door And I'd hear her, mama cryin' for him I pray for her even more than me I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm prayin' for much too much But could You send back the only man she loved I know You don't do it usually But Lord, she's dyin' to dance with my father again Every night I fall asleep And this is all I ever dream
This week was day after day of tearing through the book of Philippians. It was, like what Sara would say, RICH. Period. Although I didn't sit through the tests and plough through the assignments as I requested to do audit (without exams thus no credits/points) but I took away with me very precious lessons.
Dr Chris was sharing about how a church was in revival for a few years during the communist persecution towards the church (if i didn't details wrong) in a certain country. And the church grew so much, people were flooding in to church. But then when it all died down, the church size became smaller and people weren't as fervant as ever. And the Pastor said with tears in his eyes, I wish the persecution didn't stop."
It reminded me of how I always complain about how difficult things are at home, angry with my parents for being this and not that etc. Yet I haven't realised that all that challenges and pain allowed in my life were to keep me close to God's heart. And you know what? I believe it's all of that trials that made me who I am today. And I dare say that my maturity in Christ grew from that.
So as I sat in my room alone many nights asking God why did He take my Dad away from my family, I now realise that God in His sovereign plan had us in mind. This is Him, holding us close to His heart crying alongside with us. But silly me, was blaming and angry at Him, keeping myself at arms length. I have already sense His still small voice, telling me how much it breaks His heart for us to go through this. This, making us stronger and closer in Him. And if that is what it takes, for Him to keep us close to His heart can I accept that? So what if I still can't make sense of what has happened and the pain I'm still holding on to... can I just let go and let Him?
I guess that's alot to digest and I sure am seeking more time to work this out. But you know, after some "leaves clearing sessions" with Ming Wah, I seem to finally hear God speak to me. It was God not speaking, but me closing the door of my heart not believing that all that had happened could be good.
"The times when I do not know whats up ahead and I'm feeling uncertain and lost, please give me the faith to believe. Hold my hands and never let go... And I'll hold on like never before!"
Rolled them into doughnut shape... Ready to be boiled. Yes, Bagels get boiled before they bake. That's how we get the texture. A pity I forgot to take a picture of it boiling cos I had to get them out fast!
Just before they hit the oven! Coated with (left bottom) sesame seed and (right bottom) Pumpkin seed. :) My fav is the pumpkin seed...
They taste really good. I love it especially with cream cheese on its own. I mean, I won't dare to say it tastes just as nice as those of starbuck's but well, it's my very first attempt and I think I'm quite satisfied with the results. :) heh! Those who have eaten them... Comments? :P
Ok, i'm going on a blogging spree... so enjoy! Cos I hardly blog... And I feel like is really theraputic to blog about my baking stuffs. :P
If there is anything, I know there is one thing I'm seeking to work on is my sponge cake. I feel like it's not soft and moist enough. :)
My cake sponge, fresh out of the oven!
I was really disappointed with this cake I made because, I overlooked the salt and sugar proportion. It just somehow didn't occur to me that it's going to be really salty if I were to cut sugar, and I went ahead and half the sugar level. And I ended up with a salty cake. YUCK!!! But thankfully the ForeRunner guys were very gracious lor, they were like still complimenting my cake. Haiyah... Where in the world u find such nice people who keeps encouraging you to become a better baker! :P
And here now is the process of "beautifying my cake. And in between those sponge and cream, were lotsa mango. YUM!
Here you go... My Strawberry Mango cake. The next time I do it, I'll use a difference cake sponge. :) Heh...
Well, was a whole lot of fun! But that happened like some 2 weeks ago... Haven't had the energy to post this up even though I've been thinking of doing that. And so here it is.
It all began when Ivin got me to teach him how to make Mango cheesecake at his home with his new built in oven. (Won't tell you why all of a sudden he so enthu want to bake! tee hee...) And actually I didn't teach Ivin, I just gave him my recipe I got from a website with very clear and step by step instruction and left him to it. And he'll just keep coming to me and go, "what's next? How ah? Then? Why the Cream doesn't stiffen?!?!" Well, that's our good' O, funny Ivin.
But in the end he also wanted me to bake something while he goes about his Mango Cheesecake. And since we were not sure of dinner plans I decided to make us all pizza, from scratch! heh... So he and Mylene was working on the cheesecake while Drew and I was on the pizza. :) My sister came soon after to join in the fun... Kwel!
Anyway, the lime light is on the pizza, NOT on Ivin's cheesecake OKAY? haha... OK, I like the thick, fat fluffy kind of pizza so I decided to search for a recipe for that. knead the dough, left it to rise for about 1.5hrs. While that goes on, I prepared the sauce for the pizza. My sister and Drew helped to cut up the red pepper, ham, garlic, onion. Fried it with the pasta sauce.
Yep! Next up, is that we flatten the risen dough (it became twice it's original size) and I separated the dough into two and my sister and I got to make our own pizza. Haha... And can u guess which is whose? :P
The nicely shaped, smaller one to the right is my sister's! Nice hor?
But the sad part is I forgot that Drew had wanted to make his own pizza too and so while me and my sister had so much fun with the pizza and forgotten all about him (poor dear) he went one corner playing his psp lor. How insensitive of me. :( But I promise myself that I'm going to make the pizza dough again and let him make his own pizza this time! Hee...
And the silliest part was, we didn't buy enough mozerella cheese, and so by then we finished topping the first layer of cheese, we totally ran out of them. And by then it was already 11pm, there was in no way we could find cheese so we just made do, topped it with lotsa ham and pineapples without the final layer of cheese. Send it into Ivin's NEW OVEN!!!
My sister's turned out very thick after we took out from the oven, cos never flatten enough. Some parts of the crust was not entirely cooked, but it was still tasty and awesome! My kind of a pizza... hee... Mine turned out great too, in fact better, just only because it was flattened enough and it was nicely baked.
Didn't manage to take a picture of mine, but the only difference is Ivin, fried the ham with spicy hot chilli and I topped mine with that. And it was quite awesome! :)
And the next upcoming pizza venture would be on 4th May when the girls come together for a baking fest! Hehe... Exciting!
I was just walking home from my bus stop yesterday night, when suddenly I thought of my Dad again. I really missed him so much... and I just was tearing on my way home. I took sometime after I reach home looking at some photos with my Dad in them. And I was so (for a lack of a better word) glad that we did took those photos that I could still have memories of him. Just wishing I could hug him, kiss him, and talk to him again. Oh well...
Then the weirdest thing ever was I dreamt of him that same night. In the weirdest scenario ever, I dreamt that he was playing mahjong with me sitting beside me. But the mahjong tiles were not the usual ones too, I didn't know how to play them cos they were just different. And there was a third person sitting opposite me, but I couldn't for the life of me remember who was it. And I had wanted to talk to my Dad but I couldn't. And my Dad was just so concentrating on playing his game and before i knew it I woke up. And I was like, "Huh!?! My Dad was just beside me, why didn't I talk to him??? I could have said those things I had always wanted to say to him when I saw him in my dream! OH MAN!!!!" Sucks!
But in these recent few months, I "see" how God has been clearing the way for me to lead me to Himself. He's been mending those broken parts of my life and taking it slowly with me, showering me with His patience and love. And I feel like that day I saw such a clear, beautiful rainbow was God's way of telling me how much He love me. And well, those areas of life that are still misty and unclear I know He is patient in revealing to me at appropriate times... His love just keeps me going even in times when my heart is broken. He mends it and makes me smile again. He restores my hope and gives me strength to keep going. Maybe people around me don't understand entirely, but I'm just so so glad that He does FULLY.
Sigh.... I wish I said something to my Dad in my dreams... Could I dream of him again? If I could, I wish he would hug me in my dreams. Ok, sorry really stupid. *sob sob*
